Blog
Part One of Cedar Creek Ministries’ September series, For the Love of the Church: Remembering the People Who Spend Their Lives Serving Others.
I once received an email from a pastor’s wife telling me she didn’t like a book I had written for pastor’s wives.
I’ll admit it: my first response was a temptation to be offended.
The material had been created out of love. It was meant to help congregations pray intentionally for the woman who often stands quietly beside the man everyone sees.
It wasn't written to criticize churches.
It wasn't meant to imply that every pastor’s wife is lonely, hurting, overworked, misunderstood or miserable.
But that was how this particular woman felt when she read it.
And then I kept reading her email.
She explained that her husband had served in ministry for nearly 40 years and had pastored their current church for almost 17.
And her experience?
Their church family had been wonderful to them.
They had loved them.
They had prayed for them.
They had walked alongside them.
She wrote:
“These people are a blessing in our lives. They have loved us, and prayed for both of us all along the way.”
Then she said something that stayed with me:
“I am simply a member of the church family, and that is how I wish to be treated.”
Once I got past my initial reaction, I realized something.
I wanted more stories like hers.
In fact, I would love for every pastor’s wife to read resources about loneliness, unrealistic expectations, ministry wounds and the pressures pastors’ families sometimes carry and think:
That really hasn't been my experience. My church has loved us well.
What a beautiful testimony that would be.
Supporting a Pastor’s Wife Is Not an Indictment of the Church
One of the things we want to make very clear at Cedar Creek Ministries is this:
We love the Church.
We aren't interested in building a ministry around everything churches get wrong.
There are wonderful congregations faithfully loving their pastors.
There are elders protecting their pastors’ time.
There are church members praying.
There are people bringing meals, caring for children, encouraging marriages, sending families away to rest and quietly giving so ministry can continue.
Those stories deserve to be told, too.
At the same time, loving the Church doesn't require us to pretend ministry is never difficult.
Some ministry families are thriving.
Some are tired.
Some are wounded.
Some are celebrating one of the sweetest seasons of ministry they have ever known.
Sometimes all of those things can be true in the same family within a single year.
Our response should not begin with an assumption that something must be wrong.
It should begin with an assumption that people are worth caring for.
When a church gets this right, a pastor’s wife may experience:
- Freedom to be a member of the church instead of feeling like an unpaid staff position comes with her husband’s calling.
- Friendship that isn't dependent upon what her husband preached on Sunday.
- Prayer for her marriage, children, faith and personal needs, not simply prayer that she will better support the pastor.
- Room to have her own personality, gifts, interests and calling.
- Encouragement during both difficult seasons and good ones.
- Genuine affection that says, We see you, we value you, and you belong here.
That is the culture we want to encourage.
Not suspicion.
Not pity.
Intentional kindness.
You Don't Have to Be Hurting to Be Worth Caring For
This is where I still wholeheartedly believe in the resources we created.
We don't pray for a pastor’s wife because we assume her life is terrible.
We pray because prayer matters.
We don't encourage her because we assume she is falling apart.
We encourage her because encouragement matters.
We don't give a ministry couple an opportunity to rest because their marriage must be in crisis.
We create rhythms of rest because healthy marriages, healthy families and healthy ministry leaders are worth protecting.
At Cedar Creek Ministries, this philosophy shapes much of what we do.
We provide space for pastors, missionaries and ministry families to step away from ordinary responsibility and breathe.
Sometimes people arrive exhausted.
Sometimes they aren't.
Sometimes they need to process something painful.
Sometimes they need uninterrupted time with their spouse and children.
Sometimes they simply need several days when nobody needs anything from them.
And we have watched something beautiful happen.
Faces relax.
Shoulders drop.
People realize the house has been prepared for them.
They feel cared for.
They feel spoiled.
They feel remembered.
Many have told us they never could have afforded to create that kind of getaway for their family on their own.
And we get the extraordinary privilege of saying, in effect:
You don't have to. Someone wanted to care for you.
That isn't crisis intervention.
That's Kingdom hospitality.
And we'd love to see more of it.
Five Simple Ways to Support Your Pastor’s Wife
You don't need a special committee or a large budget to begin creating a healthier culture around ministry families.
- Pray for her by name. Ask what she would actually like prayer for instead of assuming you know.
- See the woman, not just the role. Learn what she enjoys. Ask about her life. Talk to her about something other than church.
- Encourage her without requiring anything in return. A simple text saying, “I prayed for you this morning,” can carry more weight than you realize.
- Give her freedom instead of expectations. She may lead Bible studies. She may play piano. She may work outside the home. She may homeschool. She may sit quietly in the third row. Let her faithfully follow the calling God has given her.
- Care before there is a crisis. Don't wait for burnout, conflict or a resignation letter before offering rest, friendship, prayer and practical support.
That last one may be the biggest cultural shift of all.
Care shouldn't only be something we offer wounded people.
Care is one of the ways we help healthy people remain healthy.
A culture that remembers ministry families can look surprisingly ordinary:
- Send the text.
- Remember the anniversary.
- Invite them over without talking church business all night.
- Give toward a sabbatical before they desperately need one.
- Offer childcare.
- Tell your pastor specifically what you appreciate about him.
- Ask his wife how she is doing.
- Pray regularly for their marriage and children.
- Protect their days off and family time.
- Celebrate the good things happening in ministry instead of only responding when something goes wrong.
None of those things require us to believe pastors or their wives deserve special celebrity status.
They simply recognize that people who spend much of their lives caring for others need people who will intentionally care for them, too.
For the Love of the Church
Over the next several weeks, we're going to talk honestly about ministry.
We'll talk about churches that have loved extraordinarily well.
We'll talk about what happens when ministry hurts.
We'll talk about rest, burnout prevention, ministry wounds, pastor sabbaticals, counseling and the resources available when someone needs deeper support.
We'll also introduce you to friends and organizations such as Wounded Leadership and Something's Gotta Change, who are helping ministry leaders find appropriate care and resources in different seasons.
But we want to begin here:
We assume the best.
We believe churches are filled with imperfect people whom God is faithfully sanctifying.
We believe pastors are imperfect people, too.
We believe wounds should be acknowledged without allowing wounds to become the entire story.
And we believe some of the best ministry stories are the ones where people simply chose, over and over again, to be kind.
Our hope isn't that every pastor’s wife will someday need Cedar Creek Ministries.
Our hope is that churches across the country will develop such a deep culture of prayer, generosity, rest and intentional care that ministry families know beyond a shadow of a doubt:
We have not been forgotten.
Help Us Keep Saying, “We Remember You.”
There is another side to this story.
Cedar Creek Ministries can care for ministry families because other people first choose to care for Cedar Creek Ministries.
We know what it feels like when a monthly gift comes through at exactly the right moment.
We know what it means when someone sends a message saying, “I'm praying for you.”
We have watched volunteers put boots on the ground and help build what God called us to build.
We've experienced extraordinary generosity from people who simply believed in what God was doing here.
Those moments don't only provide money or labor.
They say:
We see you. We remember you. Keep going.
And because someone remembers us, we get to turn around and say the same thing to a pastor, missionary or ministry family:
We see you. We prepared this place for you. Come rest.
There are several ways to be part of that culture of care:
- Become a monthly Cedar Creek Ministries Partner and help create reliable, sustainable support for ministry-family sabbaticals and hospitality.
- Pray for Cedar Creek Ministries and for the pastors, missionaries and families God brings through our doors.
- Refer a ministry family who could benefit from intentional time away.
- Host a dinner or small gathering and help us tell more people why caring for ministry leaders matters.
- Share this article with someone who loves their pastor and wants practical ways to support their family.
Right now, we're praying specifically for 10 new monthly Ministry Partners.
Not because everyone needs to give a huge amount.
Because steady faithfulness changes everything.
A recurring gift of $25, $50, $100, or whatever amount God places on your heart, helps build the dependable foundation that allows us to continue offering ministry families something increasingly rare:
Space. Time. Hospitality. Rest. And the reminder that someone thought of them.
Our long-term prayer is to build enough sustainable monthly support that Cedar Creek Ministries can keep saying yes when ministry families need a place to come away.
Maybe becoming one of those partners is the way God is inviting you to care for people you may never personally meet.
You may never meet the pastor who finally sleeps deeply for the first time in months.
You may never meet the wife who gets uninterrupted time with her husband.
You may never see the kids running around outside while Mom and Dad finally exhale.
But you can be part of the reason they were able to come.
You don't have to wait until someone is hurting to decide they are worth caring for.
Become a Cedar Creek Ministries Partner
Help us remember the people who spend their lives serving others.
Get Involved - Cedar Creek Ministries
For the love of the Church.
